Maybe It’s Just Me

My little family (two humans + two dogs) is staying at a very cool AirBNB on the South Carolina coast this week. The place is amazing – spacious, beautifully appointed, etc. I love it, except for one thing. The only available cutting board is made of glass.

Lots of people like glass cutting boards, even though they are the absolute worst. Last night, as I cringed my way through the process of mincing a whole head of garlic, I generated a list of other things people like that I don’t understand. (Please know this list is in no way comprehensive. I don’t like lots of things.)

#1 – Porn. From my viewing experience, porn is equal parts boring, depressing, and infuriating. Granted, I haven’t watched porn in many years, so maybe it’s improved….? (Just kidding, I’m sure it’s still terrible.)

#2 – Romantic comedies. See “porn” explanation above.

#3 – Also related to porn, calling anything you like blank-porn (e.g., food porn). Blech. Stop equating good things with porn. Especially food. Food is awesome. Porn is dumb.

#4 – Referring to oneself as a whore based on one’s interests (i.e., “I’m obsessed with shoes. I’m a total shoe whore”). This makes no sense. Whores get paid. Did you get paid for buying those twelve pairs of shoes? No. No, you didn’t.

#5 – Glass cutting boards. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY DO THESE EVEN EXIST? The last thing any cook needs is a cutting surface that’s abrasively loud, ruins knives, and provides a continual stream of nails-on-a-chalkboard heebie jeebies. If I believed in Satan, I would blame him for creating these evil pieces of shit.

#6 – Kombucha. All I have to say about this rotten tea is 🤢 .

#7 – Reality TV and talk shows where people act like complete idiots and scream at each other. Again, see “porn” explanation above.

#8 – Shopping. In theory, I don’t mind shopping. Even knowing myself as I do, when I need to purchase something, I can psyche myself up for it. Right now, for example, I need a pair of waterproof sandals, and I am delusionally telling myself it will be a fun experience to shop for them. But what I also know is this: shopping has a wholly soporific effect on me. As soon as I walk into a store, I want to curl up on the floor and go to sleep. Therefore, in an effort to remain conscious, I spend as little time in stores as possible. My husband is the opposite. He loves to shop, but not with me. On the rare occasion when we do shop together, if he sees me approaching, he’ll run in the opposite direction. This is because I only ever have one question for him: “You ready?”

All right, that’s enough. This type of exercise is a slippery slope, leading inevitably to the land of I Am All Alone in the World, which, I realize, is not true.

I just really, REALLY hate glass cutting boards.