Diagnosis: Dead Butt

A few weeks ago, I found out my butt has forgotten it’s a butt. After I told a massage therapist that the backs of my legs are always tight, he led me through a series of leg lifts, then declared, “You can stretch your legs all day long, but it won’t help. What you’re dealing with is gluteal amnesia.”

Although the phrase pretty much spoke for itself, when I got home I googled gluteal amnesia and learned the condition is also known as “dead butt.” So that’s fun. My butt is dead and has no memory. Hopefully that means it’s unaware of its passing.

When faced with stupid things like gluteal amnesia, I’m reminded of why I write fantasy. As the dragons in my books age, they just get bigger and more awesome. They don’t get dead butt and have to incorporate a million squats and donkey kicks into their already-lengthy daily exercise routines.

I suppose I should do some research to find out if there are other body parts that can forget themselves and expire without warning. It would really suck if my ears suddenly decided they were feet, set out on a hike, and died on the trail. Or my spleen decided it was a pancreas, and…like…bad things happened. 🤷‍♀️ [Note to self: Find out what spleens and pancreases do.]

This situation has been added to my ever-growing life list titled: Things I Never Knew Were Possible And I Guess I’m Kind of Glad About That. Also on the list:

  • I can pinch a nerve in my back just by turning my head.
  • At some point, the date on a penny becomes nothing but a blur.
  • Hairs can grow in the most unexpected places.

The good news is: there are ways to combat gluteal amnesia. Whew. And while I focus on resurrecting my butt, to maintain a general sense of sanity, I’ll trust all my other body parts to remain alive, self-aware, and secure in their identities. Seriously, is that so much to ask?

5 thoughts on “Diagnosis: Dead Butt

  1. That is definitely a diagnosis that one would prefer not to hear! Thank heaven it’s fixable – and not contagious! 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

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