Character Assassination

My name is Kelly Wolf, and I am a murderer. I plan my kills far in advance, determining each detail – who the victims will be; how they will die; what will transpire in the aftermath. Everything.

cid_IMAG35751Here’s my nephew figuring out his aunt is a sociopath.

[Really he was just wowed by my drawing skills, which are only impressive if you happen to be 4.]

But here’s the thing about being a killer: there’s a big difference between the planning and the execution.

For a couple of weeks now, I have strategically avoided working on the second book of Aret. This was an unconscious process, helped along by the fact that I’ve started another job, which offers plenty of convenient distractions. I am also quite skilled at finding diversions around the house as needed. Hmm…I should probably wash the sheets, brush the dogs’ teeth, patch my jeans, wipe down the windowsills, write a letter to my grandmother…

It wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that I realized why I’ve been dodging my book. I have arrived at a section in which a bunch of tragedies occur. And I don’t want to write it.

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To hold a reader’s interest (and to mirror life), stories need conflict, sometimes to a terrible extreme. At some point, especially during the course of a fantasy trilogy, the antagonists triumph. They are stoked. Of course, that means the protagonists face defeat and are devastated, which royally sucks.

As a writer, it is one thing to map out the events of a story; it is quite another to put down the words. Systematically slaying the characters I have worked with great care to create is uncomfortable, to say the least. Not only does it trigger feelings of sadness and guilt, but it also eliminates my freedom to hang out with those characters ever again.

However, these cruel deeds are necessary, and although I must tromp through many pages of depressing text to get there, I see the light of hope at the end of the tunnel of despair I’m about to create. So I suppose it’s time to quit stalling, put on my big girl britches, and go kill someone.

Bridge to Delrod

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I’m a huge fan of irony, so I take great pleasure in referring to my friend Devon, who is a beautiful woman with a beautiful name, as Delrod. She earned that clunky moniker at a diner in L.A., where the workers were well known for mangling customers’ orders. When Devon’s food came out, the waiter glanced down at the receipt and yelled, “Delrod!” Devon looked at him, eyebrow cocked in disbelief, and suggested, “Devon?” He observed her with some suspicion, studied the receipt for a moment, then looked her full in the face and repeated, “Delrod?” At which point she just said, “Sure,” so he would relinquish her food.

And that is how Devon became Delrod, which I find endlessly amusing, not only because Delrod is such a silly word and not a name at all, but also because it is a continual reminder of that guy’s refusal to admit that the receipt did not say Delrod. He may not have been very bright, but at least he was consistent.

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I’ve got big heart love for Devon, and here is something I’ve learned over the twenty-five years of our sustained friendship: for people to stay connected from adolescence into adulthood, bridges must be built on an ongoing basis. As our living places, friends, significant others, goals, ideas, jobs, and everything else about life have changed, we’ve continually had to build and maintain bridges of communication, trust, loyalty, and respect between one another to keep the friendship alive and strong.

Thankfully, Devon and I have bridge-building experience.

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[For the sake of clarity: we did not build this bridge. I just think it’s cool. Also, look how cute my dogs are.]

During our senior year of high school, Devon and I were lab partners in physics class. Neither of us had a science mind, and we both had a serious case of Senioritis (which began to develop about halfway through sophomore year), so much of our time in physics was spent writing rhyming couplets about our classmates and crawling around under the lab tables, sneakily removing students’ shoelaces and draping them over their knees.

Near the end of the year, we were given an assignment to build a bridge out of toothpicks and glue. Each completed bridge had to be strong enough to hold a bucket of bricks suspended from its center. I think we were given a month to complete this project, and our teacher mentioned about twelve hundred times that we should not, under any circumstances, wait until the day before the assignment was due to get started. I guess all Devon and I heard was, “Blah blah blah wait until the day before the assignment is due to get started,” because that’s what we did.

As it turns out, glue dries at an annoyingly slow pace. Here I am at about 6 p.m. on bridge-building day, demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of anything physics-related. (“I know, I’ll just dry the little pieces with this here blow dryer…”)

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The results were predictable. That did not work. I should’ve paid more attention in class.

Here is Devon pretending she cares about measurements.

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And here she is remembering she doesn’t give a shit.

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In truth, measuring was completely unnecessary. I think we just got out the ruler to seem more scholarly.

And now…drum roll please…here is our magnificent bridge.

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Once it was thoroughly dry (about 90 seconds before we had to hand it in), we wrote, “This Bridge Is Fierce” on those little blue flags. Do you think anyone else’s bridge had fancy flags? No indeed. They were boring, and flagless, and probably took weeks to make. But me and Devon, see, we had our priorities straight. Bridge-making photo shoot? Check. Little blue flags identifying bridge’s fierceness? Check. Only one afternoon out of our terribly busy, 17-year-old lives devoted to the construction of said bridge? Check.

Also, we got an A. Our bridge kicked ass. It held all of the required bricks and then some. The looks on our fellow classmates’ faces were priceless. I could just hear them thinking, They built that bridge? The girls who take out our shoelaces? The girls who left class and told the teacher they were going to Chuck E. Cheese? (This is true. We did ditch class one day and go to Chuck E. Cheese, informing the teacher of our intended destination on the way out the door. Sometimes you just need to eat terrible food and play skeeball in the middle of the day.)

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Now we’re all grown up. When we were kids, she loved to act, and I loved to write. Now that we’re adults, she’s an actor, and I’m a writer. (I guess that diner dude isn’t the only one who understands the value of consistency.) And because Devon is awesome, and super talented, and a member of my band, she has agreed to narrate the audiobook of Aret. Ah, joy – artistic collaboration with a beloved friend. I’m so grateful for our lifelong bridge-building skills. They’ve served us well.

When Aret is released in printed form, I think it should come with a little flag in each corner. And these flags, of course, will be emblazoned with the words:

This Book Is Fierce.

The Flu of Doom

WARNING: This post will likely prove to be long, rambling, and unpleasant (perhaps bordering on grotesque), much like my past week has been.

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[I’m using this photo of a beached jellyfish to symbolize what I both look and feel like right now. The other day I caught a glimpse of my reflection and thought, This must be why “in sickness and in health” is included in marriage vows.]

As seems to happen every February, I have been squished by the flu. The flu sucks not only because of its physical tortures (hacking cough; pounding headache; rapidly-fluctuating body temperature), but also because it is so incredibly boring. A couple Februaries past, I wrote this limerick about it:

Harrumph, I hate the flu
For there is naught to do
Can’t play or drink
Or write or think
Or master one’s kung fu.

During that particular bout of flu, since I couldn’t go outside to take pictures, I amused myself by putting together a pinto bean photo shoot.

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I have since been informed that that is an extremely weird thing to do. Next time, I’ll try to find a more appropriate subject. (I’m thinking kale leaves. Great texture.)

Last February, I was at the tail end of my annual flu when I attended a young man’s team meeting in a group home. He was upset about something (as teens in foster care frequently are, with good reason), and he started to cry right as I felt the opening twang of a coughing fit. The situation was extremely tense and sad, so I didn’t feel comfortable excusing myself, and I soon had tears streaming down my face because my throat was being invaded by an army of tiny fire ants. Other team members kept looking at me like, Wow, Kelly’s really taking this to heart. (Or maybe, Wow, Kelly really lacks professionalism.)

By the time I realized I had to leave before I exploded all over everyone, I’d lost the ability to speak, so I just stood up and walked out. I hurried to the backyard and commenced a ferocious, repulsive extravaganza of coughing. By the end, I was a sweaty mess with an accumulated, giant gob of horror in the back of my throat. I knew I had to evict the gob, so after doing a quick check to make sure no one was around, I leaned over and spat it out…right onto my own foot. And I was wearing sandals. Le sigh.

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[I actually like this photo, but I thought it would be appropriate to include here, as it does seem to represent something quite nightmarish. Like spitting something atrocious onto one’s own foot.]

So at least nothing that gross has happened this year. That is the beauty of having had that experience. I can always refer back to it to make myself feel better about my current flu. “Well, at least I didn’t just hawk the viscous contents of my diseased lungs onto my bare toes.”

This year’s flu has featured two primary annoyances: yucky sleep and a lack of suitable reading material. Because of the pervasive fever, I wake up several times a night, soaked in sweat. This led to multiple costume changes throughout each night until I ran out of things to wear, so now I just sleep naked on a pile of towels. And in between awakenings, I am blessed with fever dreams involving lovely scenarios like being incarcerated in federal prison, surrounded by towering piles of giant scissors.

But I think the worst part is not having anything pleasantly distracting to read, because reading is one of the only things I can do right now, and I read my current library book in its entirety during the first day I was sick. Then I turned to my bookshelf and decided to reread Neil Gaiman’s The Kindly Ones, which was a TERRIBLE idea. I mean, it is wonderful, but it is not uplifting, because [SPOILER ALERT!] pretty much everyone the reader has grown to care about dies in it. It would be like choosing to watch the anime series Berserk to brighten your mood, because you forgot that [SPOILER ALERT AGAIN!] almost all the characters get eaten by demons at the end.

In conclusion, I am going to include a cute picture that makes me happy.

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Because truly, what could be better than an itty bitty wolf hanging out with an itty bitty dragon in an itty bitty box? Nothing, that’s what. And their unmitigated cuteness reminds me that someday I will feel better, stop coughing, and not sleep on towels. Hooray.

[P.S. – I have a snazzy new Facebook page. You should like me. I’ve heard I’m quite likable.]

Hic Sunt Dracones

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I recently read that medieval cartographers wrote “Hic sunt dracones” (Here be dragons) over any unexplored, unfamiliar, and/or potentially treacherous areas on their maps. I loved that concept. “I have nary a clue what’s over here. I’ll just put Hic sunt dracones and be done with it.”

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But as it turns out, like lots of “facts” I encounter, it’s not true. Humph. The Lenox Globe, completed around 1503 AD, is the only known cartographer’s work featuring the words “HC SVNT DRACONES.” It appears on the east coast of Asia. And that’s it. It was not a common practice. I was lied to.

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However, after the sting of the lie wore off, I realized where the words Hic sunt dracones should appear on maps. They should be emblazoned right over my house.

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My house is full of dragons. They are everywhere. You can’t even sit on the toilet without finding a dragon staring straight at you. Dragon figurines. Dragon books. Dragon duct tape. Dragon stuffed animals. There is, in fact, a dragon staring at me right now. (And no, I’m not on the toilet.)

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So even though ancient maps don’t really say Here be dragons, we now know the answer to the question: Where be dragons? And here it is: They’re at Kelly Wolf’s house. All maps should be marked accordingly.

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Now I just need to convince the folks at Google Maps that this is a legit idea.

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[It should also be noted that the back of my car looks like this. I don’t think the mini-knight has much of a chance.]

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There is an episode of Homestar Runner (if you’re unfamiliar, Google it – lots of laughs to be had) in which Homestar tries to answer Strong Bad’s email and ends up crashing the computer. His problem is that he can’t remember the word “deleted,” so he keeps typing in other words until the computer implodes. His first guess is “Baleeted!” and that is the very word that comes to mind whenever I delete something significant from my writing.

At the beginning of Aret, the protagonist celebrates her 21st birthday alone, getting drunk in a crappy bar. When she arrives, she orders a shot of tequila, then observes various items hanging on the wall behind the bar while she waits for her drink. In my first draft(s), the description of those items was weird, convoluted, and rambling. I rewrote the passage several times but never got it quite right.

Over three years, approximately thirty people put their hands on that brief passage. A writing professor and a class of twelve, a critique group, and more than a dozen other readers offered feedback, and with all of their help, the passage expanded, contracted, and utterly transmogrified. At long last, it said exactly what I wanted to say, exactly how I wanted to say it. I sat back and read the finished product with a smile as the following thoughts ran through my head:

It’s done. Finally. Word choice, flow, rhythm, everything in perfect order. Halle-freakin-lujah. And would you look at that? This passage is completely distracting and superfluous. Huh.

BALEETED.

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[That’s how I felt about deleting something that took three years to write, although when this photo was taken, I was demonstrating my feelings towards entering the Pacific Ocean at 8 a.m. Stand-up paddleboarding is fabulous, but early mornings and cold water? Blech. No.]

All writers eventually find themselves deleting work the moment it has achieved a state of perfection. That is a fact of writing, but its inevitability doesn’t remove the sting, and the emotional rollercoaster is dizzying. “Boo, this is awful. I’ll never fix it. It’s hopeless. Wait…hold it…that’s a little better. Ooo, now it’s much better! Still not quite right, but…oh, wow! Voila! Perfecto! Ah ha ha ha ha! I’m so awesome! And now…delete.”

Yes. Three years of revision well spent, indeed.

The Band I Always Wanted

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They say it takes a village to raise a child. I’m raising a novel, not a child, so instead of gathering a village, I’ve assembled a band. I always wanted to be in a band, but since I don’t play any instruments, that desire never went past the “I want that” stage. But now it’s official – I have my band, formed of a bunch of people who asked to read Aret and subsequently got sucked into a maelstrom of extra work they never expected. Ha! It’s terribly exciting. For me, at least.

On Super Bowl Eve, my new band got together for its first gig: a pre-publication book club. The band members arrived right on time, with heads full of feedback, hearts full of sincerity, and arms full of refreshments, e-readers, and even notes. Very impressive.

Our volunteer maestro conducted us beautifully. Everyone was focused. Thoughts, questions, and suggestions filled the air. The band was rockin’ it. They analyzed the story in terms of little picture (self-discovery; romance) and big picture (how to create peace when it seems impossible). The book was called time-, genre-, and dimension-bending. Participants expressed their attachment to Diana, the badass protagonist, and their contempt for the Blue Matriarch, who was described using colorful language I will not include here.

About 90 minutes passed. Ideas were exchanged. Snacks were consumed. As was alcohol.

Quite a bit of alcohol.

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The conversation took a turn. I learned that some people have strong feelings about the word slacks. (I’d always considered it an innocuous synonym for pants, but WOO BOY was I wrong.) I was asked to change the Red Matriarch to a Blue Matriarch to correspond with one band member’s personal color preference. A request was made for three-headed, ocean-dwelling dragons to be added to the plot, because that would be cool. There was an extensive discussion about whether or not dragons fart fire. Finally, it was brought to my attention that Aret needs LGBTQ dragons, and a suggestion was put forth that I create a Rainbow caste to represent them.

After the meeting, we all received the following photo via group text:

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(Thank you to sweetlynumb63 at Deviant Art for this unbelievable image.)

That picture has now been linked to my number in one of the band member’s phones, so whenever I contact her, I will appear as a portly, gun-wielding dragon farting rainbows.

And that makes me very happy.

I love my band.

Sleepless

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“The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.” – Leonard Cohen

I have some strengths, but sleeping is not one of them. I suck at sleeping, and while I wish I could still channel the smug sense of superiority to which dear Mr. Cohen refers in the above quote, unfortunately for me, it dissolved into pure bitterness around age 35.

I’m a week into my latest bout of insomnia. Not sleeping is a false boon. I have tons of extra time to devote to writing, but my brain isn’t functioning, so the work is crap. To avoid destroying my books, I instead use the time to read (at about a 9% comprehension rate) and to wander around the internet, which is a foolish thing for someone with misanthropic tendencies to do. Nothing says, “People are idiots!” quite as convincingly and consistently as the World Wide Web.

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It doesn’t help that I live in a house full of skilled sleepers. At this moment, there are three geriatric pets within a twenty-foot radius of me, and they are all snoring. They sleep approximately 23 hours per day. And my husband is Super Sleeper Extraordinaire. He can say, “I’m gonna take a quick nap,” then fall asleep immediately and awaken ten minutes later, refreshed and happy. I don’t think I’ve napped since infancy.

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A few years ago, after a month of sleeplessness, I wrote the following helpful list.

Signs You Could Use Some Sleep:

(1) You begin questioning your right to exist. As you lie awake in bed for the third, twelfth, or twenty-fifth night in a row, you find yourself wondering:  How is this evolutionarily possible? How, after thousands of years of mutation and development, am I one of the fittest of my species, worthy of survival? I can’t even perform a basic life function. You decide that you only exist because of some flaw that slipped through the cracks of human adaptation, and therefore feel even better about your decision to abstain from breeding, as the evolutionary error will die with you.

(2) Your perception of the world becomes far too interesting. Lots of things start happening, particularly in your peripheral vision, that are not actually happening. You may be found waving imaginary bugs out of your face or having an extreme startle reflex for no reason. Driving a car at this point is probably not a good idea.

(3) Your motor functioning goes to crap. You don’t know if it’s because your brain and body are no longer on speaking terms or your spatial abilities have just gone on vacation. What you do know is that you drop half the things you try to pick up and knock over the other half.

(4) You start saying bizarre things. The pathway between your brain and your mouth has apparently been severed, so you think certain words but say other words. For example, about a week ago I started saying suicide instead of insomnia (e.g., “My suicide is really starting to piss me off”).

Granted, when I wrote that list, I hadn’t slept for 30 days. Now I’m only on day 7. So at least I have all that fun stuff to look forward to.

But someday, I will sleep, just like a normal, functioning human. It will be glorious. I will feel like this.

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Until then, I will tell myself that I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll work to resurrect the arrogance of the chronic insomniac, staring down her nose at all the sleepers of the world and thinking, Sleep? Pshaw. Sleep is for suckers. And for the sake of my stories, I will leave them be until the Sandman comes. They don’t need any input from this impaired brain.

Dragons & Shrooms

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Over the years, many quotable people have made statements along these lines:  if you strive for something, it will remain hidden from you. When you’re ready, it will reveal itself. And while this lesson may prove true time and time again, it’s a hard one to learn.

Wrapped up in the “striving won’t serve you” idea is a healthy nod to the virtue of patience, and patience can be a doozy. A chronically restless friend once asked me, “What good is patience? If you have to be patient, it just means you’re waiting. Waiting sucks.” I told her, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, “Patience is its own reward,” to which she replied, “Ew. I hate that. Did you just make that up?”

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When the story of Aret was being developed, lots of questions needed answering, from big ones like Who are the main characters? to little ones like How do you say blue in Aretian? During this time, I was living alone, and the only creatures I had to bounce ideas off of were Libby the Dog and Sid the Cat. Their reactions were predictable. Libby thought everything I said was amazing, and Sid thought I should be quiet and let him sleep.

After one particularly frustrating morning of pacing back and forth in my little cottage, striving for answers and finding nothing, I went outside to escape the computer and found this adorable little mushroom cluster on the front lawn.

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I went back inside, grabbed my camera, and commenced a mushroom family photo shoot. (Mushrooms may not offer much in terms of an emotional range, but they are quite good at staying still.) At some point during the process, the answers I’d been searching for all morning popped into my head. Poof! And my brain, which loves to draw lines between obvious points of connection, told me this:  When searching for answers about dragons, look to the ‘shrooms.

So I did. I’m good at listening to my brain.

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For the remainder of my time on Orcas, I spent each morning working on the book until a mountain of unanswered questions pushed me out the door and into the woods, where I searched for mushrooms, took pictures of them, and told them how lovely they were. (They really are.) By the time I returned home, I had answers to all of the morning’s questions, and I spent the rest of each evening writing. It was the perfect formula for ongoing creativity.

The meditative state resulting from my daily mushroom hunts opened the door to all kinds of answers, and not just about dragons. One night, I wrote in my journal:  Today, while I scanned the forest for mushrooms, I figured out some things for my book and also about my life. Mushrooms are magical like that. They offer a lot without asking for a thing in return.

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As my three months of extreme solitude wound to an end, I started to panic a bit, although I knew it was time to reintegrate into society and speak with humans again. During my last week on Orcas, I wrote:  When you get teary at an 80s movie’s super cheeseball Christmas-themed ending, you have officially been alone for too long.

But I was worried. Without the cozy set-up I had on Orcas, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to find my answers anymore, as if my imagination would cease to function the moment I hit the mainland. The idea was horrifying, especially since I had two more books to write. And those are just the books about Aret.

But you know what?

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As it turns out, mushrooms are pretty much everywhere. And it’s a good thing, too. My dragons and I have come to depend on them.

The Valtamani

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One of the joys of writing is having the opportunity to create kickass female characters. There are far too many undeveloped, unbelievable, uninteresting token females dropped into stories (maybe someday writers will understand that having more numerous and varied female characters makes stories better), so each time a fabulous female is added to the ranks, I like to think it balances things out a bit, male-dominance-wise.

My favorite thing about Aret’s protagonist is that she occupies two bodies: Diana Scarlett – a 21-year-old pacifist, vegetarian, and apprentice with the United Brotherhood of Carpenters; and the Valtamani Skara, a thousand-year-old egalitarian, diplomat, and leader of a race of dragons. Therefore, our protagonist is, as it were, a twofer – two totally tremendous characters wrapped up in one.

Needless to say, when one exists as a dragon on one world, then finds oneself as human on another, complications arise. For example, there are misconceptions and prejudices to face. When the Valtamani conducts her initial research on Earth and reads the humans’ stories about dragons, her reaction is this:

Gold-hoarding monsters, indeed. Dragons do not even have a system of currency.

To further demonstrate the complexity of occupying different bodies on different worlds, here’s a peek at Diana’s diary:

I had dinner at my parents’ house this evening and brought homemade cupcakes, which they pretended to enjoy even though I used way too much salt. Let’s hear it for unconditional love! They asked where I’ve been, since I missed brunch with Nana and didn’t even call, so I let them know I’ve been flying around on another world eating deer heads, guarding eggs, running a governing body, and trying to conjure up a strategy to end a twenty-year war between humans and dragons.

The Valtamani/Diana is imperfect, of course. That’s part of having three dimensions. She can be selfish, impulsive, and cold, but shining a light on those attributes was every bit as enjoyable as showcasing her wit, strength, and snarkiness. Yes, snarkiness. For despite her sophisticated nature, our protagonist has a tendency to be quite snarky in both her human and dragon forms. After a thousand years of life, I believe she deserves a free pass to be an unapologetic wiseass. Hell, I’ve only been around 40 years and have granted myself that license already.

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